In bed on a sunny day
Blue sky!! If I lean back a bit and look up, there it is through the grime of my velux window. I can also see the terracotta red of our chimney pot and an old television ariel. Sometimes rooks stand there looking around them and sometimes I can hear them scuttling on the roof.
The rabbits are fed, I opened their hutch late in the morning and gave them their hay and their niblet things. They were extremely pleased to get their food but Pumpkin ran away when I reached out to touch him. It is cold today which is wonderful and the light of the sun on the hills and the trees is maybe even more wonderful.
This morning Wendy almost didn’t get out of bed, to go to her class, which meant I almost didn’t either. It was so comfy to just lie there warm, relaxed knowing I have some days off, knowing there are few demands on us this weekend a brief relief from life.
Lately it is easy for me to drop out of my life, to lie staring into the dark trying to summon feelings, trying to inch some positivity into my thoughts. I tell my CPN I am well aware of the reason for this, too much drink and too few anti depressants, but I am not sure it is as simple as that. I know I should take them but I think ‘What is the point, why bother?’ I know I should drink much less but the bliss of not being here that alcohol brings is hard to resist. However It feels to me as though this bland mind of mine was already mushy with that terrible absence well before the anti-depressants became that bit more erratic. I do not understand it really.
My life is very good indeed. Wendy is so funny and so rude and so loving and so clever, Charlotte is almost obstinate in her need to say how nice I am and James improves on his Woof Woof greetings everyday. I have almost nothing to complain about at all and yet I am very, very, weary. I seek sleep whenever I can but it doesn’t seem to refresh me.
Despite that today is a day to celebrate. That blue sky! Dash and I decided to do a different walk for once and carried on to Overtoun after dropping Wendy off.
Up the hill past the autumn leaved trees, stopping for horses on the road and then, Dash on the lead, past the bridge the dogs jump off and into the trees by the stream. The sunshine made all the colours brighter, the ivy so green, the beech tree leaves so translucent with their yellows and browns and auburns. I loved it, loved the dazzle and rush of a waterfall, the stillness of the lochan, even the muddy path we walked on. Leaving the trees the crags were outlined against the sky, the trees too. I could hear dogs barking and see runners doing their exercise in their yellow tops.
I was tempted to carry on walking into the hills, but I am so unfit I gave it a miss.
Now I am home, Wendy should be home soon too I would think. Rather than bullying myself and feeling guilty about it, I will settle in my bed for the moment just as Dash is already doing and get back into that comfy feeling again, maybe listen to the radio, maybe listen to music something like that. I have already promised myself a visit to the Christmas fair later. If I can buy people presents that will feel good.
(Photos: Overtoun - March 2022)
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