Dash is taking up too much of the downie, It is so cold today and I have not put the heating on, so the bits of me that are in the air are shrinking a bit.
I think today is the very first day in which I have felt normal. I am not exhausted, I am not blank with that lack of being. I am not thinking of Dad and I am not thinking I have no right to grieve.
I have just been busy. I forgot how good it could be to be busy, how much it can take you away from your thoughts; that gape of not feeling, not connecting.
I can’t remember breakfast except that unusually for her, Wendy had marmite on her toast. These little things that we notice! I remember we grumbled about the politics on the tele. I know yet again we watched the BBC London channel because the box Wendy got from the charity shop is tuned to English TV channels and I know I contemplated finding out which channel is Scotland so we could just turn to that each morning but I didn’t as usual, I often think of doing that but never do.
We were up earlier than we needed as we thought Tom would drop the children off when he came to pick up their school bags but he was too late for that, so I emptied the dishwasher, put a wash on, put the clothes on to dry. And then I was busy scraping the ice off the car. I used the ice defroster, feeling guilty, as I am sure it is very uneco. I realized that our white car is now nearly a brown car and then we were at the station waiting for the late train to arrive.
After dropping Wendy I went on my usual trip to Ardmore with Dash the dog. I so love this walk; never get bored of it. Last night I even drove down to it on my way back from Oban to take photos as it looked breathtaking in the setting sun with the cloudless sky; stunning.
Today there was a band of fog, lying over the hills near Dunoon where my sister Juliet lives and nearer to us, tendrils of mist rising from the still water of the Clyde and a morning sun making everything bright. The sun was hot enough that I did not need gloves, the air cold enough that ice crystals covered the grass and the leaves. The puddles were thickly frozen; my breath filling the air with steam. And Dash very happy and, now that we have gone back to the cheese treats, much better behaved. He had a lovely time rushing backwards and forwards and dashing up to me when I offered cheese when I called him, sometimes literally skidding to a halt when he reached me.
I did not think much on my walk; just stared at the white frozen ground, my favorite tree in the field with the sheep, the sun on the water, that bank of cloud, that bright sky above it.
Then we were driving into the bright dazzling sun for bin bags in Dumbarton, going to the car wash and at last being able to see out the windows without a veil of dirt obscuring our vision. Back home packing bag after bag of the clothes Wendy has put out for the charity shops, only just fitting them into the car.
The busyness has kept me more or less bright.
My mum is busy being invited places nowadays, but I have no idea how she is doing; still not sleeping, I know that much. Still having hassle over names and bills and things like this.
I can still remember those seals from Saturday; the two basking on a rock by the water’s edge. The other one that swam up to them and hoiked itself out the water to lie besides them. We watched them for ages. I think the bit I liked best was when they arched their backs; raising their flippers way into the air. It looked like such a luxurious response to the day.
I think I would like to do that. It seems so long since I have stretched with pleasure; just stretched and grinned and wondered what to do with the day. I would like to do that and to turn round and laugh with Wendy. I do laugh but I would like to laugh as if I hadn’t a worry in the world.
Comments