Talking about mental health and mental ill health in the workplace

Talking about mental health and mental ill health in the workplace

Scottish enterprise workshop – may 2023

This very brief talk is about the conversations we might have about mental health and mental illness in our work place. I must admit before I saw the film ‘The power of OK’ which we saw at the beginning of this session I would probably have said something different. To be honest I love its message and don’t really need to add to it but of course, will do.

In work everyone knows I have a severe mental illness. This is not surprising as it is an essential characteristic of my job description. I no longer know if I think this is a good or bad thing, symbolically as a gesture of the importance of my experience; a good thing but in terms of any wish I might one day have for privacy; I am not so sure.

I am going to be confessional here and maybe as I write I will learn. In the back of my mind I have an assumption that at work we are meant to be seen as capable, calm, organised, resilient, co operative, full of initiative and ideas but also able to take instruction. Capable of leadership and able to be efficient and respectful. We are non-judgemental and enthusiastic, we are funny in just the right ways and we listen to our colleagues, bosses and clients with courtesy and interest.

We don’t get angry, or burst into tears, we do not discriminate unfairly, we don’t gossip, we don’t get so emotional we have to go home, we don’t drink and we don’t do anything to disturb what we all think should be a harmonious atmosphere and of course, what we produce and do is always excellent.

That is maybe a take on work that is unique to me and I certainly know of workplaces where our bosses are domineering and uncaring, where people often resign and move on but it seems to me that, for some of us, there is a demand in work to be a model human being, maybe such a model of good practice that we set ourselves impossible goals and expectations.

I would love to know what you think of this interpretation of mine, whether it is accurate or fair.

Assuming it is a fair perception for some of us; for me, I can see why I can struggle at work when talking about my mental health because my mental health is not just about my wellbeing.

It is about coming to work when I am tired because I have spent the night worrying, or it is coming to work, when I am anxious about family members who are struggling and ill. Or it is performing well at work when I have left a counselling session for childhood sexual abuse just an hour before. It is so many things. It is trying to smile and be kind when someone is being horrible to me and it is knowing my smile is fake and false because I have been forgetting to take my anti-depressants and just now everything feels meaningless and grey. Or in extreme cases it is trying to be an effective worker when I am sure everyone hates me and I think I am the cause of all the suffering the world has ever experienced. Or it is as simple as remembering that I struggle to hide my expression when I think colleagues are being unfair or are suggesting unreasonable strands of work and that that can be seen as offensive.

I wonder at the balance we need to achieve? I just cannot pretend to be something I am not. I cannot hide my self doubt, my need to be reassured, my need for my opinions to be seen as valid and I cannot work alongside my colleagues with a sense of safety when I doubt that I would be allowed to laugh openly at my insecurities or to reveal how anxious I will be each time I go to the tribunal about my mental health treatment.

I am pretty useless socially. I do have people at work who I dare to be open about my feelings with, but it takes me time to find such people and to trust them. But I do need them hugely and value them so much when I find them. I will never forget my ex boss who managed to conspire with Wendy, my partner, to get me to work less or that time when I felt so guilty about going off sick because of my mental ill health, managed to convince me there was no problem with it and that I needed to do whatever I could while I was off sick to look after myself. In fact went further than that and managed to help me realise I was being responsible and doing my organisation a world of good by admitting I needed time to heal and recover.

Or my co worker who I spend lots of time giggling with, or another worker who I think ‘gets’ what I am talking about and the values I bring to work in ways few other people do, or for that matter people who brighten when I walk into the office or a meeting and make me feel that they are glad to see me and enjoy my company.

These are very, very, small things that to me are about acknowledging we are all human, and often fragile and vulnerable; that we will never live up to the vision of being the perfect worker and should not be expected to.

Maybe I would be alarmed if tears at work happened every day, but if I came into work, distraught, and was greeted with a hug and a cup of coffee and a chance to say, if I wanted to, what had happened that would mean so much more than being sent home until I was fit enough to work again and would be so much better than people murmuring to each other about how awkward it was too see me in tears over the last few weeks.

In recent years, our life at work has changed immeasurably, a huge number of us work from home and mainly see our colleagues on a screen, many of us rarely, if ever come into an office space. In some ways that has been great for my wellbeing; my four hour commute stopped completely, I could get the children to and from school but figures on a screen are sometimes no equivalent for the laughter after a meeting. Juggling children terrified the world is ending and yet still attending lessons virtually, while we try to do our own jobs, worrying about our health, worrying about our world with its uncertain future; this all adds up. And in some ways not having that space to travel to meetings where you could recoup and relax before taking a seat again. It all takes a toll; for some people a huge toll. For some of us screens and tech is a part of life, others can’t deal with it at all; seeing an image of yourself on screen all day in front of images of people who once were close colleagues and are now heads that flicker occasionally and come and go with the signal is difficult. The divide between work and home has become hard to navigate. It might be worth thinking about this in our discussion. I know I had to take some time off sick, in some small part because my work had changed so dramatically and I was no longer able to meet people in village halls and community centres and between us share our stories in the hope of a better future for us all.

I will finish with a small example. Once many years ago, something happened, I can’t remember what, but it made my utterly tired and utterly miserable and utterly exhausted. There was no one in the room I was in, so I curled up in a corner and tried to sleep. Some time later, the boss of the whole organisation came in, saw me, went down to her car, took a blanket from the car and came back upstairs and covered me with it. She didn’t say anything or make a drama; she simply and kindly looked after me when I needed to be looked after. She could have asked what I was doing, she could have told me off or disciplined me, she could have just said get back to work but she didn’t.

I hope the questions I have given you to discuss in the breakout groups get you talking and debating and maybe questioning my assumptions and the messages that I am passing out just now. Do challenge me, do challenge each other, do enjoy the conversation if you can!

(Photo. Loch Eck, during a work trip. April 2023)