This week I did something wrong

This week I did something wrong

This week I did something wrong. I didn’t know it was wrong; all I did was critique something, but I did it thoroughly and did not pause to think that the person who had written it would have invested something of themselves in it. I do not know why. It is a pretty simple thing to take into account and should maybe sometimes trump the need to debate and discuss.

Anyway it all blew up in a meeting and I had to leave. I sat upstairs and realised I was so upset that I could not go downstairs to see my family as I knew I would burst into tears. Someone from the meeting spoke to me not long afterwards and over the next half hour I was able to quell my sobs and gain some perspective and to offer an apology for any offence I might have caused.

For some reason one of my biggest fears is to upset or harm other people; my inner vision of myself is not complimentary and when I cause harm it confirms my deepest, most difficult fears about myself. I think because of this I avoid and fear confrontation as much as I can. I do not relish passionate debate and the rigour of discussion can dismay me. I much prefer apologies and cuddles to anger and fists thumping the table and raised voices but this one incident has made me think.

I think I shy away from painful truths and do my best to avoid them. I have only the sketchiest of ideas about how people see me and tend to fear those people who I know dislike me. I search for compliments and try to remember those people who say I am gentle and kind; that I bring stability of a sort, into their life but I wonder about other people. I have been called arrogant and pompous before and I have been told that I can be aloof and distant and that my expression can be hard to read. In a very, very, minor way I have been successful in a very small field and I think some people resent that. I can use words and facts fluidly and I can come to conclusions I think are good ones only to find my evidence or thinking is suspect.

Why do I say all this? I think maybe because I have found, quite late in life, that coming to some sort of understanding of myself and trying to listen to the views of those around me; both those of people who are kind and positive about how they see me but also those who don’t look at me kindly . This can, in a strange way, be liberating.

I think it may be my New Years resolution. I have determinedly avoided thinking about myself honestly for decades. I am far to frightened of what I see and too terribly distressed at what people say are my delusions to gaze at myself fearlessly.

I think this year I will try to listen to the views of other people; try to celebrate those that are kind and welcome and to learn from and acknowledge those that are harder to face.

It is new to me. I think we can build barriers to other people for fear of their displeasure and avoid their criticism because our own self image is so fragile. Maybe with the support of those I love, I can build something more robust where the knowledge of fault or harm or whatever it is, is not so utterly devastating that it takes days to get over it.

(Photo: St Peter's Seminary, Cardross. December 2021)